It’s 5a.m., what’s that noise under the bed, dear?

I woke up around 5a.m. the other morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. This is not a good sign because I have to get up in an hour.  Suddenly, my wife hops up and wonders to the bathroom. A few moments later, she and I are snuggly covered up on our backs trying to rescue a few more minutes of sleep. Then it started.

“What’s that noise under the bed”, my wife asks.

“It’s probably one of the cats playing”, I respond.

Then the ruffling noise stopped. Good that’s settled. Right? Oh, no that would be to easy.  And, we don’t do things easy in this house, which runs rampant with 2 cats, 2 dogs, and 1 pesky, and much cleaver than a rat should be, chinchilla. And with that, the noise started again. I sit up.

“Where is Ginger?”(That would be one of the cats.) I ask. Then looking to my wife’s side of the bed, I see Ginger sitting on the floor, looking under the bed in a simulated stalking position.  There is only one reason Ginger is in this position and it means I am not getting any sleep soon. I look to my side of the bed and see the other cat, Othello, looking under the bed with more than a curious look on his face. Great, now I know I am not sleeping any more this morning.  I report Othello’s position back to my wife. Who at this point, still hasn’t moved a muscle to see what’s going on.

Yeah, I know that’s my role and I am fine with that. I would just prefer to execute it at a better time, say after the sun has come up and I have eaten something. I don’t need coffee, just food.

“Hey, maybe it’s mice again”, my wife suggest.

“No way, it’s in the room. Those were in the walls”, I respond, hoping I am right. We had mice a couple of summers ago. But those guys are long gone and the next generation hasn’t found us yet.

“Uh oh, maybe it’s Smudge.” She answers me. Oh, that’s comforting. Warm fuzzys all around now.

“Smudge is in a cage. How would he get out?” I say not wanting to experience what I think is about to happen.  Then I see a vision of a big rat loose in the house. A rat that eats anything, wood, wires, papers, yeah he’s a prince. Grabbing my glasses, I get the nerve to hop down on the floor on my belly and look under the bed. I get situated and raise the bed skirt. Peaking under the bed, I am met with a big rat standing on his hind legs, with a look on his face as if to say, “What’s up doc?”

“Oh, cr**”, I say, “And how do you plan on catching him?” Directing this to my lovely wife, who still hasn’t moved. 

While we discuss alternatives, the rat decides he needs a snack and hops over to my wooden dinning room table leaf that is under the bed and begins to gnaw away at it like the rat that he is. Then the fun begins. Smudge darts out from under the bed and flys into the bathroom. Ah, I’ve got him now. Right? No, this rat was playing me. I moved over to try and close the bathroom door.  As I reach for the door, Smudge looks up and does his Speedy Gonzalez imitation and flys out of the bathroom and back under the bed. Yes, I admit it, he’s smarter than me. So I declare, since it’s now 5:20a.m., I am going to back to bed and you can catch the rat.

So my wife then goes and gets the dust bath house. Yes, this rat has a special bath house to get “dusted” to help his skin. Next, she gets on the floor and begins, “Here Smudgy Smudgy”, as she reaches under the bed to corral this rat. A few minutes later, “I got him”, she declares. Yeah, you got him. Right! You caught him because you were more clever. Oh yes, delusion runs rampant in this house. That was 40 minutes of delusion.

I am going back to bed and apparently, so did he.