“Have you seen my cell phone?” It’s on the kitchen table behind the bananas.
“Have you seen my other shoe?” It’s under the chair by the window.
“Where is my purse?” Watch out , trick question, which one dear?
“Where is my bra?” I was better at answering this question 15 years ago.
That’s right. Some wifes brag that their husbands are good at home repairs or cooking. In my case, I locate my wife’s stuff.
Yes, before Tomtom, Garmin, and Google maps, I became my wife’s GPS. It was funny at first. She would forget where a shoe or shirt was placed. Then followed panicked searches for the car keys or tv remote. These searches would go on for ten or fifteen minutes, then out of frustration, she would turn and ask me.
I guess there are worse things a husband could be ask when his wife is at her wits end.
“Do you hear the dog barking to get in?”
“Are you going to sit there all day?”
“When are you going to get a job?”
“You never take me anywhere!” I know that’s not a question, but when your wife is in a desperate state, a screaming liner into left field is not that uncommon.
In her defense, she has genetics to overcome. Her mom is notorious for leaving stuff in places she can’t find them. In the twenty years I have known her, she has become so good at leaving things she never lets her items become lonely. She seems to be able to lose things in groups of three, which I must admit is quit a talent. As my kids have gotten older, we place bets on what and where she will leave stuff.
Recently, she locked herself out of her home while her granddaughter was visiting. I asked my youngest daughter if grandma had done this before. With the teenager’s eyes in a full roll, ”yes, several times.” Being one that always wants to help his kids when possible, whether they want it or not, I suggested a couple of questions she should ask her grandma every time they leave her house. I am not betting on much improvement, but I figured I should at least attempt to be the parent.
Oh, grandma’s lapses in memory have been the source of many amusing conversations. However, with this experience, I have had to ask more than once, “So honey, if your mom ever develops Alzheimer’s, how will we know?” And in return, she gives me the look.
Yes, I have seen my future. So to help myself, a few years ago I began a ritual each day. Whenever I think my wife has out done herself in leaving a valuable object in an obscure place, I lift it and quietly drop it in a more logical place that will quickly come up on my radar.
So, the next time I am asked, “I have you seen my..?” I will be ready to perform my husbandly duty.
